auroraexpress | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Anyone
When: Day 49, Late afternoon
Where: Anywhere

[ If the morning's trial hadn't been miserable enough … ]

[ Now it's raining! And it's still so foggy you can barely see your own feet. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Because we won't agree. I can pretend to agree, but I can't trick you when you're in my head. And you can say all the nice things you want, and I can believe you mean them, but that doesn't mean they're true. And even if they are... I can't take that. 'Specially not with what I've done.

...Tell me. Everything.

[... looking down into his glass]

Where should I start?

What's got you hating yourself so bad?

That part's not exactly unusual... But taking out every Jasmine who made it to that trial sure didn't help my case.

It was kind of designed for disaster.

So I was weak instead of malicious. We already knew that much.

Is there something wrong with that?

No shit, Rean.

I'm serious. Is there something wrong with being weak sometimes? Because everyone is. I am. Rufus is.

There's no such thing as a person who hasn't failed. And we were literally set up to fail.

Failure doesn't make you a bad person. Not being strong enough doesn't make you weak. And even then, having weakness isn't bad.

So what do you think?

There's nothing wrong with being weak. But being strong is... all I can really give to the people around me. So obviously it sucks when I fuck that up.

Do you really think that's all you're worth?

The people I'm with probably won't agree. I know that. But I-- there's a lot I'm making up for.

[He sets his drink down, gets up, and walks around to stand next to Randy, cupping his cheek.]

Hey. Look at me.

[there's hesitation, but he tips his head up and makes eye contact.]

This part of you that feels guilty and hesitates? I don't dislike it. Because it says to me how kind you are.

But I also don't like seeing you miserable. You're an amazing guy Randy. Both capable and gentle. And failure hits you so hard because you want to be able to help and support those around you.

I also want to support you. I want to help you get part these feelings too. I don't want them to drag you down. But lightening the mood and cheering people up, turns out I'm just not as good at it as you are.

[...can he reach up and tug Rean down into his lap, is the question]

[He can, with bonus surprised Rean noise.]

[HUG! THAT!! DIVINE KNIGHT!!!]

I know you wanna help. I appreciate that, a lot. An' maybe only time will help calm me down, but it doesn't mean I don't want your company.

[Oh no, wrapping his arms around this good man, tucking his face in Randy's hair.]

Okay. But, you really are an incredible guy.

[he tucks his face against Rean's shoulder and shakes his head, just a little. enough to feel.]

I know you think so, but... please, please don't tell me.

[he's about to cry]

I think I need to. You should definitely listen to me over whatever you're telling yourself right now.

[He starts to pet Randy's hair.]

I'm not telling myself anythin' worse than usual. I'm not crazy.

I know you aren't. You just won't let yourself accept that you are good, either.

Maybe I can't make you accept it, but you better believe I'm going to tell you how much I care about you anyway.

It's because I'm not good, Rean! I'm glad you think well of me! I'm glad to be liked! But I can't--