auroraexpress | The Eleventh Trial

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The Eleventh Trial

Who: everyone
When: Day 23, evening
Where: The Trial Zone

[Just as twilight darkens the clearing, you hear the train's customary shift, the sign of a Trial.

Outside in the clearing, a brick building has appeared. It's shabby, paint peeling from the heavy door, but the windows are full of neon signs advertising various brands of liquor. From inside you can hear the thumping of bass, and the faint sounds of a rowdy rock song.

A voice chimes in, lazy but amused.]

You all know what this is. I'm not "come hither"ing you. Just get in here.

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That bad, huh?

[petpet]

[The petting is nice but the conversation is terrible, so Rufus is grumpy and tense as he drops his washcloth in the water. Randy's cleaned up but Rufus doesn't feel any better.]

He's an extremely poor trade for Jusis.

[sssoftly. hand stilling.]

You know he wasn't a trade.

One disappears and the other arrives. For all intents and purposes it was just that.

[He's gonna get up off the floor now, sitting down just outside easy touching range.]

But I would really rather not talk about him.

[he doesn't know how to answer that. he doesn't want to argue about it.]

I don't... wanna push you, but I really think we should?

What for?

[He doesn't want to! It'll just be frustrating and pointless.]

I already know how this will play out. He means a lot to you. He's exactly the type of person this mission requires, too. Soon enough he'll be the center of attention, and nothing I say or do can or should change that. It'll just make a bitter old fool of me.

He will. That's how he works. But--

Him being here doesn't make you less important, either.

I'm not trying to be important.

[Not in general, anymore. To Randy, yes, but he's strongly reconsidering that at the moment.]

Even with you, it's just a temporary fantasy, isn't it?

...Don't go deciding something like that on your own, asshole.

[he was giving Rufus the space he wanted but now he's not having that, he is in fact immediately trying to climb in Rufus's lap.]

When the hell did I say anything about that?!

[He's trying to dodge. He was willing to avoid the subject but now it's here and he's withdrawing sharply rather than stay vulnerable and get hurt on someone else's terms.]

You didn't have to. It was like that from the start. Either we die out here, or we go home where it can't work. The only thing that's changed is that I can't pretend otherwise with him around.

Did you just-- assume I wouldn't even try to make it work back home? Shame about Rufus, but I'm right back cozy where I belong so he can go fuck himself?!

[he's dodgeable but if Rufus dodges lapdog he's getting grabbed by his comfy sweater, so.]

Would you have done this if Lloyd showed up? Or Tio, or Juubou? Or is it just that it's Rean Schwarzer that's making you give up on everything?!

[A failed escape. :( He tried.]

So what if it is?

Since it's because it's Rean, I can understand why you're acting like this. But understanding it doesn't mean I'll let you chase me away.

[Yanking Rufus in closer.]

So let's get things straight. Yeah, I won't deny he means a lot to me. I've offered him a contract. I haven't pretended to be an exception to the people who are into the oblivious bastard. But you mean a lot to me, you insecure asshole! I like spending time with you and having your attention and holding you! So don't act like Rean being here takes that away!

Even so!

[He knows he's being difficult. Irrational. But he's still resisting being pulled in. He doesn't want to deal with this. He doesn't like feeling exposed, and he doesn't like what he's hearing.]

You tell me in the same breath that I'm important to you, and that you're offering yourself to the one and only person I can't stand to share with! I can't simply erase those feelings, and I can't ask you to abandon yours. So what am I supposed to do?!

[Randy softens a bit. He's not letting go, but he's not tugging anymore.]

... I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, and it's not fair to you. I can't tell you what you should do. But even so...

[he bites his lip]

I can't demand you find a way to reconcile those feelings. But I can't stop, either. So I don't know, what we should do.

[He never should've started with this. He knew how Randy feels about Rean. They've made a mistake, right?

He doesn't want Rean involved. He doesn't want to be stuck comparing himself all the time and coming up short. Part of him just wants to go off into the jungle and never see Rean again.

But at the same time, he doesn't actually want to give up. This is the first time in Rufus' life he's ever been wanted and liked for himself -- his entire self, flawed and bitter and messed up. That just makes the feeling of inadequacy that much worse.]

...You're not doing anything wrong. This is my own issue.

[Randy sighs and lets go of Rufus' shirt, looking to instead take one of his hands.]

...I dunno, man. S'pretty reasonable to have one thing you can't accept. I'm sorry I can't just... not, for you. But we both know I couldn't manage it even if I tried.

[He lets Randy take his hand, though he's still tense.]

I wouldnt ask you to try. But... I don't know if I can be happy the same way, now. Or if I should even try. The wisest course for all of us might be my removing myself from the situation.

...How far would you go, with that?

I've considered becoming a forest hermit.

[If he makes it a joke maybe it will hurt less!]

...No. Vetoed.

It's easier than sharing a home with him.

Then come stay with me for a while until the idea's less awful, or something. Someone else, if you need to. S'not like there aren't spare rooms everywhere. But don't fuck off into the wilderness.

Don't you think we'd all be better off in the end if I did? I'm not claiming you don't care for me, or that it wouldn't be painful. But... I'm the obstacle, both to our relationships and to the mission we're on. At least until I've bettered my self-control, my feelings are poison for everyone.

Of course I don't think that! It absolutely wouldn't be better for you to fuck off than for us to deal with the problems until we work things out! And I know we'll be able to sort things out eventually!

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