auroraexpress | The Eleventh Trial

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The Eleventh Trial

Who: everyone
When: Day 23, evening
Where: The Trial Zone

[Just as twilight darkens the clearing, you hear the train's customary shift, the sign of a Trial.

Outside in the clearing, a brick building has appeared. It's shabby, paint peeling from the heavy door, but the windows are full of neon signs advertising various brands of liquor. From inside you can hear the thumping of bass, and the faint sounds of a rowdy rock song.

A voice chimes in, lazy but amused.]

You all know what this is. I'm not "come hither"ing you. Just get in here.

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[Randy softens a bit. He's not letting go, but he's not tugging anymore.]

... I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, and it's not fair to you. I can't tell you what you should do. But even so...

[he bites his lip]

I can't demand you find a way to reconcile those feelings. But I can't stop, either. So I don't know, what we should do.

[He never should've started with this. He knew how Randy feels about Rean. They've made a mistake, right?

He doesn't want Rean involved. He doesn't want to be stuck comparing himself all the time and coming up short. Part of him just wants to go off into the jungle and never see Rean again.

But at the same time, he doesn't actually want to give up. This is the first time in Rufus' life he's ever been wanted and liked for himself -- his entire self, flawed and bitter and messed up. That just makes the feeling of inadequacy that much worse.]

...You're not doing anything wrong. This is my own issue.

[Randy sighs and lets go of Rufus' shirt, looking to instead take one of his hands.]

...I dunno, man. S'pretty reasonable to have one thing you can't accept. I'm sorry I can't just... not, for you. But we both know I couldn't manage it even if I tried.

[He lets Randy take his hand, though he's still tense.]

I wouldnt ask you to try. But... I don't know if I can be happy the same way, now. Or if I should even try. The wisest course for all of us might be my removing myself from the situation.

...How far would you go, with that?

I've considered becoming a forest hermit.

[If he makes it a joke maybe it will hurt less!]

...No. Vetoed.

It's easier than sharing a home with him.

Then come stay with me for a while until the idea's less awful, or something. Someone else, if you need to. S'not like there aren't spare rooms everywhere. But don't fuck off into the wilderness.

Don't you think we'd all be better off in the end if I did? I'm not claiming you don't care for me, or that it wouldn't be painful. But... I'm the obstacle, both to our relationships and to the mission we're on. At least until I've bettered my self-control, my feelings are poison for everyone.

Of course I don't think that! It absolutely wouldn't be better for you to fuck off than for us to deal with the problems until we work things out! And I know we'll be able to sort things out eventually!

[Mmmmmgh, groans the guy with a history of fucking off from his problems for years at a time]

How? What exactly is the end goal of "sorting things out"? What would be a satisfying arrangement for you?

[Because Rufus is pretty sure it's just "Rufus stops being crazy", which honestly would be fair, but he still doesn't like it.]

Obviously for me the best arrangement would be getting to stay with both of you. But that's not what I'm pushing for. I want you, I want to stay close with you, but if you can't handle that in the current situation I'll settle for you staying alive where I can see you!

I wasn't planning to die.

[Huff!! But Randy's vehemence is working, bit by bit. It's putting the wind out of Rufus' sails, and he's losing some of that tension. Just a little.]

Then don't talk about leaving like that! Shit, I almost lost it staying right here, and it's much more dangerous out there.

I could handle it. But I don't actually want to worry you, so I'll stay.

I know you're strong, but I'm scared. So... thank you.

[cannot resist the romantic gesture of bringing their joined hands up to press his face into.]

[He's really damned awkward about it, but he's poking a knuckle into Randy's face in some semblance of being comforting.]

...I'm not someone you have to be afraid for.

[He's not used to being worried about and it feels WEIRD.]

[wagh. nuzzles their hands. can't help it.]

I mean, I know that? Doesn't change my feelings, though.

I still don't understand those feelings. Nor why you would choose to keep them when you have a better option.

[sighs and nuzzles hands more intensely!!!]

It's not like that. It's hard to explain, but... it's not like I like you guys for the same reasons? I'm not gonna swap you out for the supposedly shinier Rean model.

[hffff]

You say that, but I still can't imagine it.

[...squeezing his hand gently.]

I like you, for the you I've gotten to know. No one can replace you or the things I like about you, because no one else is you, y'know? You're really different. If I lose you, even Rean won't be able to fill the gaps left behind, because he's not Rufus. He could make me happy in other ways, but the same is true in reverse.

[He's trying really hard to believe Randy, and understand him. But it's hard. It's all about achievements and skills to Rufus, so he's failing completely to wrap his head around the idea that he has inherent value just because. It's all on merit, and Rean beat him. Rean was more capable. Rean was more wanted, and Rufus just cannot let that go no matter how much he tells himself it's stupid.]

...This really shouldn't be so difficult.

[randy shrugs, wry.]

Feelings are hard, and you've got a lot built up. It makes sense.

Hey, Rufus? What do you think I like about you?

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oh shit i didn't realize it was mY TAG ALL THIS TIME

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