auroraexpress | (no subject)

[There is a long pause.]

Do you want me to be honest?

[Sighs, bowing his head, rubbing at it with one hand.]

Because it's going to boil down to I care and I'm too tired to fight someone else because I care.

I want you to be very, very honest.

[ She gets extremely emphatic there, because! yes! god yes! ]

Say it all. Say as much as you can.

[There is a very long pause. Because there are times he can be very honest.]

[But it's hard when he feels like he's walking into a minefield. When he's just so very tired.]

I wasn't there.

I should have been there. I've barely missed a trial and the one I miss is that one with the newbie alone.

And then when I try to be mindful, try to be careful, I have a reaction to something I can't remember, where I don't even know if it was discomfort, I haven't even had a chance to think about the reaction....

I'm told I can't help. I have to fight to be able to help.

[He doesn't look up. His voice barely has any emotion, with only a slight crack on certain words.]

The thing I've always been good at, the thing that let me save people again and again, is putting my emotions to the side so I can deal with a problem that needs an immediate solution. Then the one time I let something through, I'm unable to help the person I should have been there for earlier.

For something that wasn't important then.

That would never be important then.

Nothing is anywhere near as important as helping my people and nothing will ever, ever will be.

[ They are such, such different people. That much is eminently clear. She listens carefully and as calmly as she can, trying to take it all in. ]

[ To hear him she like she wants to be heard, herself. ]

It's important to me. Your feelings? Your comfort? They're important to me! You didn't have to do something uncomfortable; I had another way and you didn't want to give me a chance. That hurt.

[ ... ]

To me, help doesn't mean pushing and forcing. It's asking and receiving, working together, honest and equal. It's that simple.

I don't even know if it was uncomfortable. I just felt something. I was trying to listen, to adjust, to compromise, but then I felt something.

And you told me I couldn't help someone I cared about because I felt something that wasn't completely in line with things being done. You were shutting me down completely and pushing yourself when I said I was fine.

That is....you don't....

[There's a small sound of frustration.]

Meridian, do you think I'm a good person?

[There's no doubts in his voice. No need for reassurance. Just frustration.]\

You shut me down. [ There's an edge of frustration. ] You treat me like you think I'm a kit, like you know best, like you have to push yourself to take care of me. [ And that isn't what she needs. She doesn't know how to spell that out more clearly than she already has. ]

[ Takes a deep breath, and rises to her feet to pace. ]

I think you're being an arse. [ Paces ... ] I don't know you well enough to call you a "good" or a "bad" person; just that you're a person I want to be friends with.

And I can work on that. I know I can be overbearing and it takes me time to adjust. But I can adjust. Within reason. If you tell me to not help you, I'm going to ignore that, but if we can talk about the way I can help you...

I can remember to ask. To be better at not being overbearing. Actually compromise and work on the best way to help you.

But you have to believe me about my own emotions in situations where people are hurt or dying.

You can hound me about my feelings other times. Go nuts.

But if its a situation like that...

You have to trust me about my own head and heart.

Because I'm a bad person. Not evil, but I'm sure as hell not good. And there will be times my feelings are going to be that of a bad person. The only way to not be bad then is to ignore my feelings.

I'm not gonna tell you not to help me! Listen. I'm gonna tell you what isn't helping me, so you can help me better.

If you want me to trust you, you have to trust me. Trust me to know how hurt I am. Trust me to know my own limits. Trust me to be honest — that's the kind of person I am.

...can you remember your own limits?

[Because that's like]

[Pretty important to nkowing.]

I know my body better than somebody who isn't in it. [ She doesn't need specific memories to have a good gauge on that much. ] And I know my feelings.

....I can promise to try.

Like I said, I know I'm overbearing. It's a thing I'm working on and depending on what's going on, some days are harder than others, so saying I'll get it everytime would be lying.

But I am going to try.

Okay?

[ She slows her pacing to look at him, really look at him. ]

Okay. [ It's a start, at the very least ]

[He says he'll try, he'll try. He's just disaster trashfire man.]

And what I said?

About trusting my own judgement of my emotions?

Edited 2019-12-16 03:11 (UTC)

If you do it for me, I'll do it for you.

Okay.

[He sighs and let's his head thud back against the side of the train.]

Like I said, you can poke and prod all the other times. I mean, how well that goes depends what's going on. I'm aware I got some issues. So like. [Waves a hand in the air.] Roll of the dice then.

But I want to be a better person than I am. When I want to do good things, I want to be able to do them even if I get some weird hang up along the way. And when I'm not emotionally okay with something I still recognize as the better option, then I want to do that.

If you want to talk about anything like that after the situation, that's fine. It's just the during that's important.

[ She settles back down to sit. Not next to him, not really within easy reach, but not so far as to be like. Shunning him. ]

Say that again? [ Just to be clear on what he's actually asking for, here. ]

In life and death situations or people are hurting, trust me when I say I'm fine with something.

If I show discomfort, but I say I can still help someone, trust I'm okay enough to help them. I can deal with discomfort literally anytime. The thought someone I care about is hurting and I can't help them because they're more concerned about an emotion I don't need to deal with right then....I hate it. I hate it a lot. Failing someone I care about is literally the worst thing I can feel and failing it because of something that doesn't need to be in the way about myself.... [Shakes his head.]

If we're in a life or death situation and I agree to a choice I'm obviously not happy about, trust I'm choosing it because I recognize it should be chosen.

If I really don't want to do something, or think something is wrong, I'm not afraid to fight someone on it. But if I'm choosing something I don't want to do, it's usually because I understand why it needs to be done.

Okay, but ... If you decide you're gonna do something because you think it's the only way, and I disagree, I'm gonna to tell you. When it's "do right now or people die" it might be different. Sometimes you've just gotta go, even if it's scary or dangerous and you don't want to. I get that. I get that you can choose for yourself and trust you to know yourself better than I know you.

And. It's not about poking and prodding to ... make you a better person? That's not my job. I need to look after myself too and sometimes that means telling your friends to back off.

Edited 2019-12-16 13:25 (UTC)

If we're talking options, that's different. I just mean....my emotions shouldn't be the deciding factor of whether or not to do something. I want to find the best option over all, and if the best overall means I'm not doing something I emotionally want, then those shouldn't be why it isn't done. If there are others reasons to not do something, then that's different. But when it's 'Dusk might be sad even though he says it's fine,' then I don't want to do that. If it's 'Dusk might be sad and also I think this option would get us what we want without doing that,' then yeah, say something. See what I mean?

Poking and prodding is probably more about being worried for me and my mental health, because I'm not sure why else you'd be concerned about momentary, confused possible discomfort when you're literally in pain.

[ Hm. Hmmm. Hm ... ]

Well. I don't like it. But if that's what you need, we can try.

[ THE SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE ]

'Cuz you looked uncomfy and I didn't need help that bad. If I'd done it anyways I'd have felt worse. So I didn't.

Injuries can relapse or suddenly get worse again without proper treatment. Discomfort really isn't more important than that.

Having a possible panic attack, that needs a little more patience because those can mess you up good.

But even then, I was more confused and caught off guard. I didn't know what I was feeling enough to be uncomfortable.

Dusk. I wasn't that bad. If I was I would say.

[ With a sigh, she settles down into a loaf ]

So ... we both made assumptions and both should have talked more. Now we know better.

And my discomfort wasn't even really discomfort. [Shrugs.]

....yeah. I'll try to remember about asking.

And the claustrophobia. Probably better to know that now.

Claustro..

[ Wrinkles her snout. ]

The pods?

Yeah. Fear of small, enclosed spaces.

It's a pretty common phobia.