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Who: Jasmine and visitors
When: Day 13, morning
Where: Jasmine and visitors

[80H is in the common area, making food. She's taken off her bandages, and her elbows look entirely fine, like they weren't shot at. The knees might be okay to assume the same of, but they are, naturally, hidden. She hasn't been out much since the trial, or even before it, honestly, but she's been doubling down on her isolated tendencies. She had to talk to one of their newbies but, after that, it was back to being a hermit.

So it is, perhaps, odd to see her out and about making food, and, what's more, it does not seem to be all for her.]

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Good morning. I believe we need to talk.

[But first here have this box. It has a bottle of wine and some fruit (definitely weird local fruit sry) and a fluffy black scarf.

He has no idea how to apologize so he's obtained a peace offering. This is ??friendship??]

Yeaaaah, kinda.

[accepting the box and waving him in easily in spite of their recent tensions, whistling at the wine and snagging the scarf to put on IMMEDIATELY]

Remind me to earn gifts from you more often, damn.

Ideally you won't earn them the same way again, at least.

[He wants to try to be good... Probably. Apology gifts are awkward, but Randy's good attitude is helping.]

Nevertheless, I'm glad you like them.

They're great. And-- yeah I'll try not to earn them this way again. Still great, though.

[rubbing his cheek on the scarf pointedly.]

...You are such an odd creature.

[But. He's charmed. And that's part of what they need to talk about!]

Do you mind taking this to your room? I'd rather not discuss in public.

[huffs a soft laugh and beckons, holding the box in one arm. gonna SQUIRREL IT OFF TO HIS ROOM.]

Nah. This way, c'mon.

Hm.

[Following Randy to his room! Once they're in he doesn't sit down because. Y'know. It's Randy's bed and that's a bit much. But he is managing to look cool and not awkward about it.

The conversation is going to be awkward enough.]

...I am aware I was unnecessarily difficult, yesterday. I'm truly sorry for hurting you. However, an apology means nothing if I only repeat the offending behaviour, so the root cause needs to be addressed.

I shall put it simply. What, exactly, are your intentions towards me?

[RANDY is opting to sit on his bed, after setting the box nicely on a surface. he's still amicable, once the door closes, but it's a little less intense, all the performative bits of it seeping out now that he doesn't feel pressure to prove that Rufus should be allowed in their car, in his room.]

Thanks for apologizing. I keep feeling like maybe I shouldn't have said what I did, but... I don't think you'd appreciate me walking on eggshells around you, either. 'Specially not with what we've already managed to get past.

[he breathes, folding his hands together anxiously.]

...I want to be close to you. However you'll have me, pretty much.

...

[Rufus studies Randy's face for a moment, as if looking for something. The truth, maybe. The incoming knife in the dark.

Then he sighs, closing his eyes as he thinks of how to reply. This is unfamiliar territory he's navigating and he needs to keep his head on straight.]

I need you to understand what you're getting into, if you intend to pursue that goal, so please hear me out. I have never wanted to be close to anyone. It would have been a liability... or so I'd believed til recently. I've never had a friend, let alone a lover, and I haven't felt the lack.

But I do like you. I'm afraid I do too much. We've only been familiar for a week. I don't even know you. I know what kind of man you are, yes, but I don't know what you like, what you do for fun, who you are when you're not putting on a show. To be honest, I hardly know those things about myself. I haven't indulged in anything but what I thought I needed to succeed. With all those plans gone, I've nothing left but to find something else in myself.

Given that, I can't tell you if I'm attracted to you, or just to the idea of not being alone, now that I have the luxury of loneliness. What I can tell you is that I'm no cabaret girl to take to bed for a night. I've seen what comes from half-hearted relationships. Even if we're only friends, and I'm well aware that's not where you want it to stop, I will not be anyone's casual fling.

[It's a lot of words but really it boils down to "I'm just scared of having feelings, because feelings can get hurt."]

[there's no blade waiting for rufus to let his guard down-- randy's had plenty of opportunities at this point, and rufus is more than familiar with how randy treats people he hates.]

I can stop at friends, though. I don't want to push you into anything you don't want, and-- I'd never stop flirting, but it wouldn't be intended to hurt.

[runs a hand through his hair, though, trying to get his own thoughts and feelings together neatly, trying to meet Rufus midway.]

Personally, I tend to keep this sort of stuff easy-come easy-go, 'cause that way... it's easier for no one to get hurt. But I get that's not viable with you. I wouldn't even consider trying that way, with you, 'cause as much as we're still getting to know each other, I think we're already too invested for that sort of preempting a parting.

Because we're already in so deep... I don't think I'd be mad, if we tried it and you realized that you wanted company rather than me specifically. I'd be sad, sure, but it wouldn't- turn me against you or something, and it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

As for half-hearted relationships... I know better than to try to treat you as a casual bedmate. I can tell you right now that I'm not... able to be entirely exclusive, though, if that's what you'd need from me. There's someone relying on my body to stay alive, and I won't force them to look for someone or something else, at least not without plenty of warning.

[that does imply willingness to come close to exclusive, though, if rufus wanted it from him.]

Beyond that... I'm always gonna be a flirty guy. It doesn't generally mean much, and it definitely wouldn't if we were seriously together, but if it's something that would hurt you...

The last thing I want to do is tie you down.

[That much is easy.]

Jusis & I... we were both the product of attempts to escape an unpleasant obligation. I have no desire to become a weight on someone else's life in that way. That...

[He takes a slow breath, trying to tell himself to just open up. It won't work if he hides things, but it's hard to trust others when you yourself have spent all too much time being untrustworthy.]

...That is what I'm most afraid of. I don't want to wake up some day and find I'm the thing you're trying to escape. In a way, exclusivity is only more troubling, whether or not I ever see the need for more than one person myself. But... As you are likely aware, I have a certain habit of comparing myself to other people. I can't promise I won't struggle with that. In fact, I can more likely guarantee that I will. I will try, with all my strength, to be better than I used to be. But I doubt I will be easy to love.

Nevertheless, I think... I would like to try. If you really want me "with full context".

Edited 2019-02-22 15:03 (UTC)

[Randy listens intently, clearly taking in every word and weighing their meaning seriously.

then he smiles up at Rufus and offers him a hand, palm up.]

I do want to try. Seriously, and with full context.

Shall we?

[He stares at the hand for a beat, hesitating. Taking it means making a huge leap of faith. It means letting himself be more vulnerable than he's ever been. Showing someone not just the ugly mean side of him but the messy and awkward and insecure side, too. This is perhaps the most terrifying moment of his life.

But he already said he wanted to try, and he meant it. So he steps forward and takes Randy's hand, lightly as if steeled to take it back at the least hint of danger.]

...Okay.

[He kind of wants to tug Rufus onto his bed and ravish him, but. He can tell the man is spooked, and doesn't want to push too hard too fast, so he simply squeezes that hand gently, smile soft and warm.]

Awesome.

Awesome.

[Yes, that's a word. A fun, informal commoner word that suits Randy and feels foreign on Rufus' lips. He's definitely nervous as hell but there's a kind of giddiness there too. This is the sort of thing that should be happy, right? So maybe he should let his guard down and just... be happy.

Easier said than done, but he does finally sit down. Then he exhales, slowly, and the tension goes with it. He feels... relieved. He took a leap and didn't fall! Except, he supposes, for falling right into Randy. Which is a bizarre thought but here he is, allowing himself to flop backward onto Randy's bed, still keeping hold of his hand.

It's habit to stay composed but there's that rare genuinely happy smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.]

Jusis is going to be so smug.

[Randy laughs softly and flops down beside Rufus, absolutely content to hold his hand and grin at him adoringly.]

Yeah? He's already given me the threatening little brother talk, for the record.

Has he really...

[Jeez. What a troublesome little brother.]

Things have really changed if he's the one trying to protect me. And yet he has the nerve to say I'm getting old.

'Course he's trying to protect you. You're his precious older brother.

But he called you old, huh? Sounds like you've been bickering.

Oh, no. That was us getting along.

[This is just how they are, man.]

But he wasn't wrong. I've been blessed in that department but I'm significantly older than you, you know.

Sometimes bickering is getting along.

[He rolls his eyes though.]

Please. Our age difference is, what, five years? That's not bad at all.

I have known worse...

[Just gonna. Get his confidence together and scoot over to be closer. Randy is large and warm ///]

Same here. It's no big deal. I'm not some young innocent thing you've tempted with your adult wiles.

[teasing, closing the distance between them so they're pressed side to side]

That's true. It's you who did the tempting, I believe.

[And Rufus who has no experience.]

Caught me. However will I make up for my crimes?

Hmmm...

[lifts a hand to gently poke Randy's side]

You could take responsibility and, what's the phrase... "show me the ropes"? I'll defer to your superior knowledge, Instructor.