auroraexpress | (no subject)

... You know, maybe it's good, that you feel hesitant now.

Sometimes being shaken up is a good time to stop and reevaluate. I don't personally think hesitating is bad. It just means there's more you want to reflect on before you act.

Decisive or indecisive aren't good or bad inherently in themselves.

Even if you aren't used to or don't like indecision, why not just roll with it for now?

I'm definitely going to be doing more of that.

[ He mutters the words, but it's not like Rean is wrong and he knows it.

Weirdly though, hearing Rean say that has actually helped Crow decide a few things. He takes a breath and lets it out slowly. ]

....Hey, Rean?

Yeah?

[He is honestly just trying to reassure Crow that it's fine not to have an immediate answer to anything, internal or external.]

[ There's still a lot he's in conflict about, but he knows he wants to say this much: ]

It doesn't matter what my reasons were, what I did to you was wrong. ...Killing you was wrong. Your life... you mean more to me than that. I know I told you that you could rely on me more and immediately betrayed that... betrayed you. And nothing I can say or do will really take that back. I don't expect it to.

But I still owe you an apology. So... I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.

Edited 2019-12-27 02:00 (UTC)

[Maybe if he was younger--by oh, a thousand years--he'd have a different reaction. Demand interest on his life and Crow belonging to him or something cutely S. But if he was younger he'd also be actually hurt by Crow choosing him to die in the first place.

He's not younger. He's old. And though he doesn't think Crow thinks of him as a tool, he is one in many ways. Whether Crow meant to spare him pain or use him to keep Crow alive--well, the intention does matter, obviously. But he exists to protect his Awakeners.

It just proves that Crow is in many ways soft and young and kind even if he doesn't see it, if he feels this guilty.

It isn't like Rean's unaffected though. It's not like it didn't sting a little, and it's not like it doesn't warm his heart now.

He shifts forward in the water, leaning his hand on the bench next to Crow's hip and kissing Crow thoroughly. If he tells Crow he really doesn't mind, he suspects it'll just upset Crow more. Instead, when he pulls away, he opts for a quiet:]

Thank you.

[Whether he feels he needed the apology or not, he'll accept it.]

[ Crow is definitely softer than he realizes, especially without the bulk of his memories. His perception of himself is a little skewed in several different ways.

Rean's method of expressing himself is pretty successful. He's right that Crow would just get more upset if Rean said he didn't mind, but the kissing is nice. More than nice, he responds to it quite readily without, for the moment, pushing for more-- just accepting softly, hungrily.

And when Rean pulls away, Crow lifts a hand to trace his thumb along Rean's jaw. ]

I can't promise I won't make any more mistakes.

[ He murmurs the words quietly, for Rean's ears only-- as if anyone else could hear them in the first place. ]

But I won't make the same ones twice.

Okay.

[He leans a little into Crow's touch before settling back in his seat.]

Anything I can do to help?

[Whatever Crow happens to need to deal with what happened. Rean only died, no big deal. Crow had to watch his whole team eat people.]

[ Is there a way to say "I just want to spend time with you" without sounding like a sap? ....Probably not. ]

You're doing it right now.

[ It really does help. ]

That's works for me. Stick around a while.

Thanks, Rean.

[ For all of this, he means, not just the offer-- for talking him through things. Even if there's a lot still uncertain, it helped. ]

....How are you holding up?

I'm more worried about everyone else honestly.

See, that's what I'm here for-- since you won't worry about yourself, I'll do it for you.

[ His tone is lighthearted, gently teasing Rean before he gets serious again. ]

It's gonna take everyone a while before they can move on from this. It's pretty upsetting stuff.

Haha...

[He scratches his cheek.]

I appreciate it... but you're right. This isn't the short of thing anyone moves on from in a day or two.

It's really not. I'd imagine it's even worse for the people who were forced to be kami.

[ At least he hadn't been forced to exist with that unrelenting hunger. ]

Almost certainly. But having to watch can't be great either.

[ Crow is pretty sure the guy who bullied them into eating doesn't get a right to complain. Because that's definitely how this works. ]

It's not, but as it turns out I'm also more worried about everyone else.

[ It's not even a lie. ]

(no subject)

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